A sex spreadsheet? Hahaha!

That was my first thought when I happened upon an article on Buzzfeed about a Reddit user who had posted a photo of a spreadsheet she had received from her husband. Did you read about this? Well, for those who didn’t catch this glorious nugget of entertainment I will explain.

The wife was about to go away on a 10 days business trip but before she left her husband emailed her a sex spreadsheet. A three column, dated spreadsheet which had cataloged their apparently dry sex life. It stated the date throughout a six week period, whether sex had been granted or not and if not, the reason behind it. Only 3 days out of the 28 recorded days had ‘Yes’ marked in the ‘Sex’ column. The ‘Excuse’ column contained things like, ‘I’ve been to the gym and I feel sweaty’, ‘I’m watching my show and don’t want to miss anything’, or my personal favourite, ‘(non verbal)’.

This post has been view over 1.5 million times! The world now knows about this and the reactions are both fabulous and ridiculous. Theories are now flying through the interweebs as strangers battle over this tasty tidbit of human silliness. Everything from being married to an Asexual partner to serious mental issues are being thrown into this ever growing ring. Both teams have supporters, each calling the other immature, selfish or just plain stupid. Personally I think it’s equal on both sides; who in their right mind makes a spreadsheet to catalog this sort of thing?! And who would post it on the internet to shame the poor sap for doing something so silly? You begin to wonder how it all came about (or not, pardon the pun.) Did the husband, now affectionately named Spreadsheet Guy, just walk up to his wife and say in a rough, monotone way, “Sex!”  Was there any romance, a gentle wooing of the wife to arouse her, even if she didn’t feel like it? Judging by the spreadsheet, me thinks definitely not! But then to feel so outraged and hurt that you think, “I’m posting this on a heavily used website and make people see what an ass my husband is, how dare he!”

Two things are very clear now: 1) The husband will never get sex from his wife ever again and 2) Can you say ‘Divorce’?!

Sex plays a HUGE role in a marriage whether people want to admit it or not. It connects a couple emotionally as well as physically and without that connection people can feel neglected and distant which apparently happened in this case. I’m sure there were women who read the article and cursed Reddit Wife for being so lucky to have sex readily available. But I have to wonder about what their life was like before they married; was the sex amazing and adventurous so it is now missed or was it OK to the point Spreadsheet Guy thought, ‘I’m sure she’ll get better with age.’ Maybe Reddit Wife thought, ‘He wants sex a lot, I’m sure he’ll calm down with age.’ Who knows, we can only speculate. Either way it looks like good old communication seemed to once again have been left out of the equation.



Wife of the Year Award goes to…

An interesting conundrum:

Over the weekend I was sitting having a coffee with a friend when we happened to over-hear a conversation being had by a group of women. It wasn’t difficult not to over-hear them as they were being rather loud and, in my opinion, extremely obnoxious. My friend and I were about to move tables when this little charm of a sentence was uttered:

“I said he couldn’t be his best man because the wedding day is on my birthday and I want a party!”

With raised eyebrows we decided to stay in our seats and pretend not to listen to this enlightening conversation. There were three women in question and they had an air of ‘we-trump-everyone-else-because-we-are-wives’ about them – the scathing look anytime a pretty woman or another man walked past, the loud conversations about how crap their husbands were and how difficult is was to be wives. It was quite something to experience and this subject topped it all off.

One woman in particular was the loudest and she was also responsible for the above statement. The woman next to her was small and twitchy and she didn’t seem to say much but nodded vigorously when either of her friends said something agreeable. The last woman in the group looked almost bored with life in general, her eyes at permanent half mast, legs crossed while leaning as far back into her chair as possible and her voice…dear God! She spoke from the back of her throat making her voice sound gravelly and as if she couldn’t quite muster the air to fully bring out her words. I call it ‘Creaking Door Voice Syndrome’ and it drives me <expletive> nuts!

This is the story, or some of it, from what we heard. Loud Mouth was upset because her husband had been asked to be the best man at his best friends wedding. Let’s just let that sink in: Best Man at his Best Friends wedding. This up and coming wedding just so happened to coincide with Loud Mouth’s birthday and she was upset as she apparently considered her birthday more important than some other persons wedding so had informed her husband he was not allowed to be best man.

“Besides,” she continued, “I want a party and he needs to plan it for me.” She then went on to complain about the bride-to-be and how could she be so selfish by setting her wedding date on Loud Mouth’s birthday. Vigorous Nod went into overdrive and CDV agreeeed.

My friend and I were stunned! How on earth could anyone justify not allowing their other half to be such a big part of such a big occasion? If the shoe was on the other foot you can imagine the storm that would erupt! I couldn’t wrap my head around putting your birthday ahead of someone else’s wedding unless there was a reasonable explanation (e.g. you equally dislike both sides of the couple). Oh, before you ask, no it wasn’t a milestone birthday either.

Not long after the women departed in a flurry of twitching, hand-waving and “BYE DAAAAARLING!” and my friend and I were left to theorize this to death! We decided Loud Mouth was out of line in her demands and might suffer a touch of amour propre. We also wondered if the husband was *cat* whipped as it seemed as though the decision had been made for him that her birthday trumped the wedding and he was agreed to this (unless he had kicked up stink and she was misguided in thinking she could change his mind). Imagine his friends reaction, ‘sorry mate, I can’t be your best man. Prunella wants me to do a birthday party for her on that day.’  Who exactly would he invite? You’d think their circles of friends would over-lap so wouldn’t that cause problems? Was she trying to totally destroy his circle of friends and replace them with hers? Loud Mouth may have potentially damaged a possibly long lived friendship between her husband and his best friend. Or perhaps her husband didn’t really care about being best man and this whole scenario was just convenient for him. Beer time with the guys would be interesting…

“Hey d’ya hear about Duder not being best man?”

“Yeah, his wife is making him stay home and plan her birthday party!” Thanks for making us wives look bad, Lady!

The possibilities were endless and we were at the coffee shop far longer than we should have been! Seriously though, am I out of line thinking Loud Mouth was being a a bit of a cow? If your boyfriend/husband/partner was asked to play a major role in someone else’s wedding which also happened to be your birthday, would you tell them they couldn’t be there and expect it to be accepted? If the birthday was really significant then case closed – a parents 60th birthday for example – but otherwise, unless you booked first there is no reasonable way to accept such behavior, right?

Can you be married AND be good friends too?

Once upon a time my husband and I started working together in an upscale restaurant in Midtown Toronto. We were young and newly married and we liked to joke around and have fun. My husband was a Chef and I was a server. After a particularly grueling Saturday we all went out collectively to catch last call at the local pub. On our way down the street I was talking to a fellow server and she asked me why I had a British accent while J had a Canadian accent.

“I was born in London, he’s from Kitchener,” I replied.

“But aren’t you guys, like, brother and sister?” she asked, clearly perplexed.

I must have looked slightly shocked, perhaps a little green, as I gasped and cried, “Dear God, no! We’re married!”

It was then her turn to looked shocked.

“But…But…you’re such good friends!” she declared.

I was amazed by this response. Apparently no-one had told them we were married so everyone had assumed we were related due to having the same last name. It’s true, my husband and I do have very similar senses of humor and we can be very silly together but it had never crossed my mind that by being so was maybe not how a husband a wife could be around each other. I quizzed her further on why she felt this way and she just assumed husbands and wives perpetually got on each others nerves and wouldn’t dream of working so close with one another, let alone be as warm and friendly towards each other. She told me she’s never seen a married couple so happy with each other. I thought that fact in itself was a little sad and at the same time I was quite stunned.

Ask people who have been married for 60, 70 or 80 years what the secret is to a long marriage and the answer is usually always the same; ‘I married my best friend.’  I often wonder now what makes people think they are ready to marry. Not too long ago girls weren’t given a choice – if you weren’t married by 16 you were in danger of being labeled a spinster by the time you reached 25. Marriage meant you were set for life, you had a home, an income of sorts and you had a household to maintain, regardless of whether you liked your husband or not. Unfortunately there are still beliefs in arranged marriages these days, not that I agree with them, but each to their own. During the two World Wars, people didn’t know if they would see each other again so there was a desperate passion when together and an appreciation of having the chance to love and be loved.

In today’s world rights and ways of life have changed. I suppose factors that may have always been in place, just never voiced, are now no longer taboo; divorce, women in a strong career position, better education, better travelling opportunities. There’s more to life now than simply getting married yet although people are given time to get to know each other it’s perhaps not always taken. Not everyone is doomed though! I’m sure there are many married couples out there who share the same easy relationship that we do and have a good working commitment to each other. It can be done and it’s a beautiful feeling; you have to work for it, with it and through it.

Nowadays my husband and I are in a different field of work – hospitality can suck it – and we also have a young family to look after so nights out are few and far between and usually involve just the two of us. Our friends are in other various fields and have young families so getting together with them involves moving mountains at times! Date Night for us is very important! It lets us reconnect and talk about things other than work or kids. It’s almost like the Man Cave theory; getting space to recharge the batteries and to remember what it’s like to be a free adult, even if it’s only for a few hours. During that time we will laugh and joke, share stories and reminisce. We are friends and we enjoy being with each other. We have felt like that for the 13 years we’ve been together, 10 of which married to each other: Isn’t that the point of finding the one person you want to spend the rest of your life with?