A sex spreadsheet? Hahaha!

That was my first thought when I happened upon an article on Buzzfeed about a Reddit user who had posted a photo of a spreadsheet she had received from her husband. Did you read about this? Well, for those who didn’t catch this glorious nugget of entertainment I will explain.

The wife was about to go away on a 10 days business trip but before she left her husband emailed her a sex spreadsheet. A three column, dated spreadsheet which had cataloged their apparently dry sex life. It stated the date throughout a six week period, whether sex had been granted or not and if not, the reason behind it. Only 3 days out of the 28 recorded days had ‘Yes’ marked in the ‘Sex’ column. The ‘Excuse’ column contained things like, ‘I’ve been to the gym and I feel sweaty’, ‘I’m watching my show and don’t want to miss anything’, or my personal favourite, ‘(non verbal)’.

This post has been view over 1.5 million times! The world now knows about this and the reactions are both fabulous and ridiculous. Theories are now flying through the interweebs as strangers battle over this tasty tidbit of human silliness. Everything from being married to an Asexual partner to serious mental issues are being thrown into this ever growing ring. Both teams have supporters, each calling the other immature, selfish or just plain stupid. Personally I think it’s equal on both sides; who in their right mind makes a spreadsheet to catalog this sort of thing?! And who would post it on the internet to shame the poor sap for doing something so silly? You begin to wonder how it all came about (or not, pardon the pun.) Did the husband, now affectionately named Spreadsheet Guy, just walk up to his wife and say in a rough, monotone way, “Sex!”  Was there any romance, a gentle wooing of the wife to arouse her, even if she didn’t feel like it? Judging by the spreadsheet, me thinks definitely not! But then to feel so outraged and hurt that you think, “I’m posting this on a heavily used website and make people see what an ass my husband is, how dare he!”

Two things are very clear now: 1) The husband will never get sex from his wife ever again and 2) Can you say ‘Divorce’?!

Sex plays a HUGE role in a marriage whether people want to admit it or not. It connects a couple emotionally as well as physically and without that connection people can feel neglected and distant which apparently happened in this case. I’m sure there were women who read the article and cursed Reddit Wife for being so lucky to have sex readily available. But I have to wonder about what their life was like before they married; was the sex amazing and adventurous so it is now missed or was it OK to the point Spreadsheet Guy thought, ‘I’m sure she’ll get better with age.’ Maybe Reddit Wife thought, ‘He wants sex a lot, I’m sure he’ll calm down with age.’ Who knows, we can only speculate. Either way it looks like good old communication seemed to once again have been left out of the equation.

 

 

Wife of the Year Award goes to…

An interesting conundrum:

Over the weekend I was sitting having a coffee with a friend when we happened to over-hear a conversation being had by a group of women. It wasn’t difficult not to over-hear them as they were being rather loud and, in my opinion, extremely obnoxious. My friend and I were about to move tables when this little charm of a sentence was uttered:

“I said he couldn’t be his best man because the wedding day is on my birthday and I want a party!”

With raised eyebrows we decided to stay in our seats and pretend not to listen to this enlightening conversation. There were three women in question and they had an air of ‘we-trump-everyone-else-because-we-are-wives’ about them – the scathing look anytime a pretty woman or another man walked past, the loud conversations about how crap their husbands were and how difficult is was to be wives. It was quite something to experience and this subject topped it all off.

One woman in particular was the loudest and she was also responsible for the above statement. The woman next to her was small and twitchy and she didn’t seem to say much but nodded vigorously when either of her friends said something agreeable. The last woman in the group looked almost bored with life in general, her eyes at permanent half mast, legs crossed while leaning as far back into her chair as possible and her voice…dear God! She spoke from the back of her throat making her voice sound gravelly and as if she couldn’t quite muster the air to fully bring out her words. I call it ‘Creaking Door Voice Syndrome’ and it drives me <expletive> nuts!

This is the story, or some of it, from what we heard. Loud Mouth was upset because her husband had been asked to be the best man at his best friends wedding. Let’s just let that sink in: Best Man at his Best Friends wedding. This up and coming wedding just so happened to coincide with Loud Mouth’s birthday and she was upset as she apparently considered her birthday more important than some other persons wedding so had informed her husband he was not allowed to be best man.

“Besides,” she continued, “I want a party and he needs to plan it for me.” She then went on to complain about the bride-to-be and how could she be so selfish by setting her wedding date on Loud Mouth’s birthday. Vigorous Nod went into overdrive and CDV agreeeed.

My friend and I were stunned! How on earth could anyone justify not allowing their other half to be such a big part of such a big occasion? If the shoe was on the other foot you can imagine the storm that would erupt! I couldn’t wrap my head around putting your birthday ahead of someone else’s wedding unless there was a reasonable explanation (e.g. you equally dislike both sides of the couple). Oh, before you ask, no it wasn’t a milestone birthday either.

Not long after the women departed in a flurry of twitching, hand-waving and “BYE DAAAAARLING!” and my friend and I were left to theorize this to death! We decided Loud Mouth was out of line in her demands and might suffer a touch of amour propre. We also wondered if the husband was *cat* whipped as it seemed as though the decision had been made for him that her birthday trumped the wedding and he was agreed to this (unless he had kicked up stink and she was misguided in thinking she could change his mind). Imagine his friends reaction, ‘sorry mate, I can’t be your best man. Prunella wants me to do a birthday party for her on that day.’  Who exactly would he invite? You’d think their circles of friends would over-lap so wouldn’t that cause problems? Was she trying to totally destroy his circle of friends and replace them with hers? Loud Mouth may have potentially damaged a possibly long lived friendship between her husband and his best friend. Or perhaps her husband didn’t really care about being best man and this whole scenario was just convenient for him. Beer time with the guys would be interesting…

“Hey d’ya hear about Duder not being best man?”

“Yeah, his wife is making him stay home and plan her birthday party!” Thanks for making us wives look bad, Lady!

The possibilities were endless and we were at the coffee shop far longer than we should have been! Seriously though, am I out of line thinking Loud Mouth was being a a bit of a cow? If your boyfriend/husband/partner was asked to play a major role in someone else’s wedding which also happened to be your birthday, would you tell them they couldn’t be there and expect it to be accepted? If the birthday was really significant then case closed – a parents 60th birthday for example – but otherwise, unless you booked first there is no reasonable way to accept such behavior, right?

Man Cave: when, how, where.

Way back in the day I worked in a restaurant as a server. In hospitality industry you hear many stories whether you intend to or not and some of them are funny, some of them are scary and some of them can scar you for life. This story discusses the subject of The Man Cave: When do you get one, How do you get one and Where can you put one.

A group of 6 people, 3 couples, were chatting away in their very distinct groups; women on one side of the table and the guys on the other. I was vaguely aware the subject of marriage was being discussed. I wasn’t really paying attention until one of the guys said, “I’ve got another 2 years to go before I can get a Man Cave.”

The wives stopped chatting and looked across the table with a ‘Oh, here we go again!’ look. I began pouring wine a little slower than I should as the wife belonging to said guy replied, “Well you need to put in 10 years of marriage before you can get a Man Cave. Those are the rules.”

“Really?!” cried the man sitting next to the poor husband in question. “You have to put in 10 years, huh?”

The other women nodded and smugly agreed while the men nodded in resigned sadness. Then they started talking about their fantasy Caves while I took their dinner orders before I wandered back into the kitchen to digest this nugget of mysterious knowledge.

Is that the rule? 10 years of marriage equals the right to have a Man Cave? I had to investigate this! I had always assumed a Man Cave was something for a sports nut husband or a Harley Davidson fanatic. I have heard tales of Man Caves decked out as mini pubs, sports bars, pool clubs and mini museums. I have visited arts fairs that had booths dedicated to The Man Cave; warning signs and sly attempts at masculine rule. But was the 10 year rule a universal truth or just a rule for the poor unfortunate husband sitting at one of my tables in the restaurant?

Although I didn’t come across firm confirmation of that particular rule I did come across some other interesting info instead. Since when did men become under the impression feminism had stamped out their masculinity and they needed a place to hide in order to restore their testosterone levels? I scoured through web pages and articles, each writer giving their opinion on the chemical importance placed in having a Man Cave and the necessity of a Cave in order to keep marriages healthy and happy. Just the definition of Man Cave was enough to raise my eyebrows in astonishment. You can find it here

In our home the basement is the Man Cave – it is also the home office so its not completely off limits to the family. My husband is into comics and graphic novels so the walls are adorned with his collections and posters. He’s very proud of it and happily shows any visitors who happen to come by. He has his computer, he can play Company of Hero’s to his hearts content. However, my husband has always been allowed to do that, Man Cave or no Man Cave. He has his interests and I have mine and we respect that about each other. He recently allowed me to set up a small table in his Cave so I could begin my new passion of book binding. I felt like I was in his territory though – I asked first if he would be OK with my being there. He said he was happy to have me there as long as I kept my area clean and tidy. I am mindful of keeping my art chaos as tidy as possible and I make sure I bring a fresh made Nespresso Macchiato as a token of thanks if we are there together.

Comic Wall The Man Cave/Office

The point for me is I would have let my husband have a Cave from the beginning if he wanted one and there are many husbands who have had a Man Cave before their wives. For some men I know it’s important to have a space for tools or a motorcycle, or card collections or hobby War Gaming. For others it might be the simple need for space and perhaps that gets forgotten along the way. Why wait 10 years when you can pack them off from the start?! And instead of a room for the man, try understanding that it can be any space as long as it is space; a quiet corner of the sitting room, an hour alone in front of the TV, an evening playing PS3 with his mates while wearing a Wi-Fi headset so he can talk to his comrades. Some of you may not agree with me: for some a Man Cave is a right of passage and if that’s the case, so be it! The essence of this topic is the apparent need for space – the need to be alone, to lock the world away for a few hours in order to come out anew and tackle whatever life throws at you and that should be available for anyone. It’s not just men who need that, women do to. Oh, and FYI, being in the kitchen doesn’t count!

Do women have caves? Apparently so! I will leave you with a few names I came across:

Ladies Lounge

Girl Grotto

The Estroginaverse

Fluff Fortress (seriously?)

Ladies Lair

The Kitchen ( oh ha ha, Men.)

NBA Arena (No Boys Allowed)

Chick Pit

Hormone Haven

and finally, a favourite of mine: The Control Room

Blog Virgin

So I’ve never written a Blog before – mainly because I don’t think I’m very good at it! However, I decided I wanted to give it a shot so here I am.

‘Upper Management’ is an endearing term my husband uses to refer to me when big decisions need to be made. It’s a respect thing between us. I am not that wife who will get pissed off if my husband wants to go for a drink with his mates. I am also not going to berate him if he wants to get new clothes, go to a rock concert or play Call of Duty 2 all night! My husband and I have been together for twelve and a half years and we will proudly celebrate 10 years of marriage this December. I feel like it’s only been a small while but maybe that’s what happens when you’re married to the most understanding and caring man ever. Sorry if you groan but it’s true! I am lucky to be married to my best friend. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had our ups and downs and I can aggravate him as much as he does me, but I’ll go more into those learning curves later.

I just wanted to start writing little stories and ask questions about what it means to be married these days. I’ve heard horror stories and witnessed amazing untruths between people throughout the years and it makes me so grateful for what I have. I listened to a story recently that blew my mind at how selfish the wife was; in a nutshell she wouldn’t let her husband be a best man because the wedding date coincided with a milestone birthday and she wasn’t happy about that…I’ll tell that story later!

Anyhoo, I hope my stories interest you. If not, well stop reading them then!